Be gracious, not grumpy

Be gracious, not grumpy

August 22, 2009

KEN GALLINGER

Q: Since we got an invitation to attend a same-sex marriage, I have this dilemma – shall I attend or not? one of the partners is my husband's nephew, son of his sister. My husband wants us (including my son, who is also uncomfortable) to go for the sake of his sister; thus supporting his son. Although his sister does not want this to happen to her son, she just accepts his fate and supports them.

These guys are nice people and I have no problems with them. However, I totally don't believe in same-sex marriage and for sure would be uncomfortable attending. If I attend, how would I greet them? I refuse to congratulate them because I don't agree with it. What's the ethical way to act?

A: First off, you need to remember that a wedding invitation is just that: an invitation, not a summons. Apart from the bride, groom, two witnesses and Marryin' Sam (or Samantha), no one is obliged to attend a wedding.

The invitation offers you the opportunity to witness the commitment these two people are making, to share their happiness and to offer them your best wishes.

A wedding invitation is always a gift, never a command.

Looked at in that light, you have two options, and either is acceptable.

On the one hand, you could choose to attend. If you do so, that implies you are prepared to honour the couple and respect the commitment they are about to make.

This doesn't require you to abandon your principles regarding same-sex marriage – they are not asking your permission or even your opinion – but they are asking you to respect their decision as two competent adults who care for each other.

The decision to attend, therefore, implies that you are willing to look them in the eye and offer your sincere best wishes.

How would you greet them? Well, a hug is not required, and you certainly don't have to kiss the bride – but firm handshakes and a genuine ｅxpression of well wishes is the least you can do.

Anything less is not only a social faux pas, it is an insult to the spirit in which you were invited.

If, however, you are really not able to offer your blessings, then the second option – not attending – is likely the better one.

The option that is absolutely not acceptable is for you to pee on their parade.

If you don't go, there's no need to explain your decision – a simple "thanks but we can't make it" is sufficient, especially if accompanied by an appropriate gift, such as "his and his" bath towels or two tickets to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

And if you do, in the end, decide to go, be prepared to suck it up, smile and be gracious. And lose that language about "accepting their fate" – this is a wedding, not an execution or castration!

Frankly, I would have thought you would find a gay wedding easier than others to attend. After all, you don't have to spend the entire service speculating about whether the bride is pregnant.

Send your questions to

ethical@sympatico.ca